I don’t need anything with four more tires

A friend recently asked me what kind of four-wheeler I take to the mountains. I told him I have enough problems without adding an ATV to my list of worries.

If it’s mechanical, I can break it. Not by using it or even abusing it, but just by getting near it. I’ve even had people accuse me of breaking their machines simply by thinking about them. So when a friend said he was surprised I don’t have an ATV and asked me if I was thinking of getting one, I promptly told him no. That’s all I need – another mechanical implement that will invariably fall to my triple-hex Voodoo magic at the most inopportune time.

Most likely, it would perform without a hitch right up until I get myself deep in the backcountry. Like 20 or 30 miles from the nearest paved road. That’s when it would finally succumb to the dark forces of my nature and give up the ghost. It would take me four days to limp out of the woods, because I’d probably twist an ankle no more than a mile from where my four-wheeler died. Then I’d have to pay some guy a million dollars to go get my nonfunctioning piece of very expensive machinery out of the forest.

And to make matters worse, it would probably start right up for that guy. He’d be laughing all the way out of the toolies, back to town, and straight to the bank.

And it’s not just mechanical things that give me trouble. It seems I spend both of my spare minutes each week airing up one of the tires I own. If it’s not my bicycle’s back tire, it’s the front left on the lawn tractor. Or the right rear on the truck. Yesterday, I had to air up all but one of the horse trailer’s tires. The last thing I need is four more tires. Instead of an ATV, what I need is an air compressor.

No, I’m probably not going to be getting an ATV anytime soon. I’m aware there are some very reliable brands out there, but they haven’t been Ty tested. Show me one that has, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll finally get one of my own. Until then, I’m more than happy to break yours.