It turns out I’m nowhere near “slim”

The following message is my version of a public service announcement, or at least a warning to all of my fellow larger-sized humans. Read the label closely before you walk out of the store with a new pair of jeans.

I think most of us who spend a lot of time outdoors are pretty hard on our jeans. I know I am. I wear them out in just about every way possible. I tear out the knees climbing over rocks; I wear out the fronts dragging firewood to the campfire; and this weekend, I found a new way to ruin my jeans.

I’m driving a Ram Power Wagon this week, and it’s a long way up into the seat. It has running boards, but I’ve never had to use those. I usually just step over them getting into and out of trucks that have them. But the Power Wagon isn’t a normal-sized truck. It comes straight from the factory with a bit of a lift built in, so it sits about six inches higher than the average full-sized pickup.

Combine that with the fact that I’ve been pretty lax about going to the gym lately, and the result was a split right up the back of my jeans. Luckily, the first time I blew out my pants, I was getting into the truck to go home, so nobody but my wife got to laugh at me. But later that night, I blew out my only other pair of publically acceptable jeans, so I had to run in and change into sweatpants for a trip to Boot Barn to buy some new jeans.

And that’s where my warning comes in. I figured I could just bump up the waist size by one inch and I’d have less chance of rupturing the fabric. So I ran into the store, grabbed two pairs, and headed for the truck again. Luckily, I thought I might just want to wear the jeans out of the store, though, so I asked if I could change into the new jeans.

I couldn’t even get them on. They were way too tight. So I went up another inch. Still too tight. That’s when I noticed they were the “Slim” cut. What a dirty trick. I’m glad I noticed before I got home, though. If I’d had to wear them back to the store, there might have been an explosion when I tried to get into that truck.

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