Want to lose weight? Try the elk hunting diet

The other day, my wife hugged me when I came home from work. She noted that I’ve lost a lot of weight, but qualified the statement by saying I’m still a bit soft around the middle. She said I need to spend plenty of time hunting this year.

When my wife told me I’ve been doing an admirable job of losing weight, but that I’m still packing a few too many extra pounds, I had to agree. But then she said I need to spend as much time as I can hunting this year. My first reaction was to look around for the hidden camera.

But she explained hunting is good exercise, and again, I had to agree. But I went one step further. I sat down and outlined the elk hunting diet.

Here’s how it works:

Step One: Dig out the topo maps for your elk area. Find the spot where the little lines are closest together. This will indicate the steepest terrain. This is where you want to go.

Step Two: Strap all your gear on your back and stroll around the neighborhood. If you’re going to have a heart attack, it’s better to have one in town than out in the wilderness somewhere.

Step Three: Head for the hills. Be sure to carry everything you think you might need in your backpack: extra clothes, extra ammunition, a couple gallons of water, game saws, skinning knives, survival gear, etc. Head for the steepest, most tree-covered hillside in the country. Do this all day. Even if you hear elk bugling down in the flatter country, stay up on the hillside. Remember, you’re here to lose weight. Bringing down an elk is just a bonus.

Step Four: After doing this for as many days as your boss and your significant other will allow, you may have figured out where the elk are congregating. On the last day of your diet, as a reward for sticking with it, you can go where the elk are and try to take one home. A diet including elk steaks is a healthy one – it’s good, lean meat, free of steroids and other additives.

Step Ten: If you’re lucky enough to get an elk, be prepared for the really hard work. You’ll have to pack that sucker out. Don’t be tempted to take the easy way out and use a game carrier. Quarter it and haul it out in four separate trips.

If for some reason this diet doesn’t work the first time, try it again next year.